Hopefully I will post daily my thoughts for the day--offering my thanks, working through my (multiple) frustrations as I seek to make something of my life. In a nutshell, an opportunity to bear my soul and try to come to terms with who I am.
If I can bear being with myself, hopefully, others will also (but that's beyond my control and responsibility).
This a private blog. So while, comments may be welcome, the blog is for me alone to work through my own life and emotions. Instead of filling multiple notebooks, I'll file my thoughts in cyberspace. If what I write helps you, great. If it angers you (too), sorry, but it is my life story.
Life is hard. I feel trapped in an unhappy marriage, My partner/spouse seems caught up in her own world--self absorbed with her own issues--in the words of a counsellor "ריכוז עצמי". Since (I assume), her own life is out of control, she feels "obligated" to control everyone else's life--me and my/our kids. I wasn't put on this earth to be someone else's puppet. Authority, especially perceived arbitrary authority is problematic for me. My first reaction to someone demanding "jump" is NOT "how high?", but "what for?" But, then, I guess it's my misplaced 'pride' and ego talking and my own "self absorption."
Supposedly, if I can only allow that "higher power" to become part of me. To be able to hear His voice of what He wants instead of what I think, I can become truly humble. If I can actually believe/feel that I am fulfilling to His expectations and not any particular person (or own ego/pride), what others do will no longer set me off.
While others say I don't have an "addictive" personality, I feel I'm unable to break my dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. I'm too easily offended, frustrated and angered by what others think of and do to (for) me.
I need to stand on my own two feet and feel steady without constantly looking back and expecting their approval/love. As others have said to me--for more than 30 years--more than love, look for respect. Before others can respect me, I need to start to respect myself (regardless of external validation).
I need to create a routine for: (a) honest self-examination and reflection, (b) offering my thanks for the goodness granted/bestowed upon me, (c) sharing my feelings if only to lighten my load. If I can do this every day, please god, I keep myself on an even keel--keeping my anger and aggression in check.
One day at a time ...
Time to call it a day.
With all my love.
Tomorrow (please god) ... taking responsibility and control of my own life while letting others take responsibility for their life (without my "interference")
